Consent

What consent is

Consent means actively agreeing to be sexual with someone. Both people agree, every single time. Without it, sexual contact is sexual assault.

Planned Parenthood sums it up as FRIES:

• Freely given. A choice made without pressure, manipulation, or drugs or alcohol.
• Reversible. Anyone can change their mind, any time, even halfway through, even if you've done it before.
• Informed. You can only agree to something you have the full story on.
• Enthusiastic. Something you want to do, not something you feel expected to do.
• Specific. Yes to one thing is not yes to everything else.

Sources: Planned Parenthood, Sexual consent and RAINN, Consent 101.

Marriage is not a standing yes

Being married, sealed, or together for years does not mean yes. Couples who have been together a long time still need consent, every time. If you were raised to see sex as something you owe a spouse, or to feel guilty saying no, that guilt is not consent, and neither is giving in to quiet it.

What consent is not

• Silence, freezing, or not fighting back. None of those is a yes.
• A yes squeezed out by guilt, fear, or pressure from someone with power over you.
• Anything with someone who is asleep, drunk, high, or passed out. They can't consent.
• What someone wore, where they went, or what you did together before.
• A body's reaction. Arousal is involuntary and is not consent.

Asking is normal

You don't have to guess. Ask "Is this okay?" before moving on, and check in as things go ("Still good?"). Respect a no even when it's quiet or said without words. Talking about it can feel awkward at first, and gets easier.