Grieving a faith

The short version

Losing a faith is a real loss, even when leaving was the right call. You can grieve God, your ward, the plan you were promised, and the person you used to be, all while knowing you're better off. Grief doesn't move in tidy stages, and there's no deadline. What helps most is naming what you lost, staying connected to people, and going easy on the things that numb it. If it gets too heavy, the last section is for you.

What you might be grieving

• God, or the feeling of being watched over. Prayer was company. A Heavenly Father who knew your name is a lot to lose, even if you're sure he isn't there.
• The plan. Families together forever, a sealing, a place in the celestial kingdom, a reunion with the people you've lost. The afterlife was a promise, and it can hurt to put it down.
• Your community. A ward is a ready-made social life: callings, potlucks, people who show up with dinner when the baby comes. Leaving can empty your calendar and your phone at the same time.
• Closeness with family. Parents who are disappointed, siblings who are careful, a temple wedding you wait outside of. Sometimes the person is right there and still feels gone.
• The future you were handed. The mission, the temple marriage, the script for the next forty years. Even if you never wanted all of it, it was a map.
• Who you were. The good kid, the RM, the Relief Society president, the one everybody asked to pray. An identity takes time to replace, and the first draft is usually rough.
• Time and money. Years of Sundays, a mission you paid for, ten percent of every paycheck. Being angry about that is part of grieving it.

Two names help. Ambiguous loss is Pauline Boss's term for a loss with no clear ending and no funeral: the thing is gone, but not gone. Disenfranchised grief is Kenneth Doka's term for a loss other people don't recognize, mourn, or support. A faith can be both.

• Ambiguous Loss by Pauline Boss. The original book on grief without closure.
• The Importance of Mourning Losses, NPR Life Kit with Kenneth Doka on disenfranchised grief and how to cope with it.
• The Trauma of Leaving Religion by Marlene Winell, on why leaving can feel like "the death of one's previous life."

How grief actually works

• The stages are not a checklist. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance are real feelings, but David Kessler, who wrote about them with Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, says they "are not linear, not universal, and not a checklist." The American Psychological Association says research suggests most people don't go through stages as progressive steps.
• There's no normal timeline. The APA says that too. Nobody is grading you on how fast you're over it.
• It comes in waves. A hymn in a grocery store, a sibling's mission call, General Conference weekend, a funeral where everyone talks about seeing her again. It can hit years later and still be normal.
• Feelings travel together. Relief, anger, sadness, guilt and plain freedom can share an afternoon. None of them cancels the others.
• Some of it may be more than grief. If leaving came with fear, panic, or nightmares about the afterlife, you might be dealing with religious trauma as well. Religious Trauma Syndrome explains the difference.
• Meaning comes later, and it's yours. Kessler added a sixth stage, meaning, which is about what you build from here rather than why it happened.

Sources: David Kessler, Five Stages of Grief; American Psychological Association, Grief.

Healthy ways to cope

• Name the loss. Out loud, in a journal, to one person. "I miss believing my grandma is waiting for me" is a sentence worth saying.
• Make a ritual of your own. Losses like this come with no casket and no service, so Life Kit suggests making one: journaling, art, planting something, running a race, a tattoo. Some people write a letter to the God they believed in. Some throw a small party on their Ex-versary.
• Find people who get it. Peer groups are full of people one step ahead of you. Recovering from Religion runs secular peer support by phone and chat, THRIVE Beyond Religion runs local and online groups, and Gather lists real meetups.
• Keep the parts you loved. Music, service, a potluck, a choir, a Sunday morning walk. You're allowed to take the good habits with you.
• Look after the body that's carrying this. The National Institute of Mental Health suggests regular exercise (even 30 minutes of walking a day), making sleep a priority, and staying connected. Dana-Farber suggests a simple routine: get up, eat and go to bed around the same times.
• Be kind to yourself on purpose. Kristin Neff's self-compassion practices are free. You spent years being told to be kind to everyone but you.
• Talk to a therapist who won't bring the church into it. Secular Therapy Project lists therapists who keep religion out of it.
• Read something that gets it. Leaving the Fold by Marlene Winell, When Religion Hurts You by Laura E. Anderson, or It's OK That You're Not OK by Megan Devine.

Sources: NPR Life Kit; NIMH, Caring for Your Mental Health; Dana-Farber, Bereavement and Grief Support.

Things that make it worse

• Numbing it with alcohol or anything else. The APA advises against using substances such as alcohol to dampen the stress response, and Dana-Farber's grief advice says to limit alcohol and avoid using substances to cope. If you grew up under the Word of Wisdom, your tolerance and your know-how both start at zero. Alcohol 101 has the basics, and Rethinking Drinking helps you check whether it's getting away from you.
• A rebound group with the same shape. When the floor drops out, a new group with all the answers can feel like relief. Look at how it works, not just what it believes: a leader nobody can question, rules about your time and your body, people who leave being cut off. The BITE Model is a checklist for exactly that. A new home should let you ask questions on the way in and leave on good terms.
• Going it alone. Dana-Farber calls grief "a very lonely and isolating experience," and the NIMH's first advice is to stay connected. One friend or one standing coffee is enough to start.
• Doom-scrolling and 2 AM arguments. The APA notes that checking social media can ramp up your emotions, and screens at night cut into sleep. Reading every bad story about the church at midnight is research for a book you're not writing.
• Big moves you can't undo, right away. Dana-Farber's advice for grieving people is to try not to make major decisions right away, especially ones that can't be undone. This is only about timing: a divorce, cutting off a parent, quitting a job, or a resignation letter can usually wait until the first wave passes. The Keep your records, or remove them? guide covers the middle paths. If you're unsafe, don't wait: every hotline is here.
• Rushing yourself. "I should be over this by now" is a rule nobody wrote down. Grief takes the time it takes.

Sources: APA, Healthy ways to handle life's stressors; NIMH; Dana-Farber.

When to get more help

The National Institute of Mental Health says to seek professional help if severe or distressing symptoms have lasted two weeks or more: trouble sleeping, changes in appetite, trouble concentrating, or losing interest in things you usually enjoy. Also reach out if you're drinking more to get through the day, or you can't do your job or care for the people who count on you.

• Secular Therapy Project: a therapist with no religious agenda.
• SAMHSA National Helpline: free, confidential treatment referral for substance use, 24/7.
• SMART Recovery: secular mutual-help meetings, no higher power required.

Recovering from Religion's support line (844-368-2848) is secular peer support for people leaving any faith. It isn't a crisis line, and someone isn't always free to answer, but you can book a call.

Call Recovering from Religion

Source: NIMH, Caring for Your Mental Health.