Surviving the holidays with believing family

Before you go

• Decide what you'll share, and what you won't. "I'm not going to church right now" is a full update. Your reading list, your resignation letter and your opinion of the Book of Abraham can stay home.
• Decide how long you're staying. Two hours is a real visit. You don't have to be there from the morning prayer to the last dish.
• Find one ally. A sibling, a cousin, a partner. Someone who will catch your eye across the table and change the subject when you need it.
• Lower the bar. The goal is a decent day, not a breakthrough. Nobody's testimony, including your former one, gets resolved over yams.

The dinner prayer

• You can sit quietly through it. Bowing your head is a courtesy, not a covenant, so do it or don't, whichever lets you eat in peace.
• If you're asked to say it: "I'll pass this time, thanks" works. So does "Can I just say what I'm thankful for instead?" Most families take the second one and never notice the difference.
• If the blessing on the food turns into a prayer for you by name, you don't have to respond at the table. Talk to that person privately later, or let it go. Both are fine.
• Nobody has ever been excommunicated for looking at the mashed potatoes during a prayer. Probably.

What to say when they ask

"Are you still going to church?"

"Not right now. How's the new job going?" Answer, then hand them a topic. Most people take it.

"Did someone offend you?"

"No. I read a lot and came to different conclusions. Pass the rolls?"

"Is this a phase?"

"Maybe, maybe not. Either way, I'd like today to just be Thanksgiving."

"We're praying for you."

"Thank you. I know that's how you show love." True, kind, and it ends the conversation.

"Can we talk about it after dinner?"

"I'd rather not today. If you really want to understand, let's get lunch next week, just us." Then actually get lunch.

Someone starts arguing doctrine

"I'm not going to debate this at the table." Say it once, calmly, then go refill the water pitcher. Leaving the room for a minute is allowed.

Temple weddings you can't go inside for

• Only people with a current temple recommend can attend a sealing inside the temple. That's the church's rule, not your sibling's verdict on you.
• Since 2019, a couple can have a civil wedding and then a temple sealing without the old one-year wait. Many couples now do a civil ceremony or a ring ceremony everyone can attend. Ask early and kindly; you're not asking them to change their plans, just which parts you can be at.
• A script: "I can't come inside, and I want to be there for everything I can. What's the plan for the ring ceremony and the photos?"
• Waiting outside is its own thing. Bring a book, a snack, a phone charger and, if you can, another person who's also waiting. The temple grounds are lovely and you're allowed to enjoy them.
• It can sting even if you're totally sure about leaving. Feeling left out of your own family's big day is grief, not bitterness.

Sources: General Handbook, chapter 38 (who may enter a temple, sealing after a civil marriage); Church News, May 6, 2019.

Conference weekend

• General Conference is the first weekend of April and October: two days of sessions your family may have on all weekend.
• You don't have to watch it to visit. Show up for breakfast, skip the sessions, come back for dinner. Saturday afternoon session is a great time for a hike.
• If a talk gets quoted at you afterward: "I didn't watch it, but I hope it was a good weekend for you." No further comment required.
• The cinnamon rolls were never doctrinal. Keep making them.

Source: Church Newsroom, General Conference.

Kids, Santa, and who is watching

• If you're co-parenting with a believer, agree on the basics before December, not in front of the kids: what they'll hear about church, Santa and prayers at Grandma's.
• Kids handle "people believe different things" well. "Grandma believes in Heavenly Father. Dad and I don't. You get to think about it as you grow up" is honest and age-appropriate.
• Between Santa, the elf on the shelf and a Heavenly Father who sees everything, a lot of us grew up being watched by a lot of people. Your kids can have fewer. Be good because people's feelings matter, not because someone is keeping a list.
• If grandparents start teaching church lessons to your kids, say it plainly and privately: "We love that you love them. Please leave the religion part to us." Repeat as needed.

Gifts, after tithing

• Your gift budget no longer starts at minus ten percent. Enjoy that.
• If someone gives you a Book of Mormon with their testimony written in the front, or a framed temple print: "Thank you" is a complete sentence. What you do with it later is between you and the donation bin.
• Want to give to a good cause in someone's name? The Giving well guide shows how to pick a charity you can actually check.

An exit plan for the day

• Drive yourself, or have your own ride home. A car is a boundary with cupholders.
• Set a leaving time before you arrive and tell your ally. "We have another stop tonight" is a polite, complete exit.
• Agree on a code word with your partner or a friend you can text. One word, and you're both reaching for coats.
• Take breaks: a walk around the block, a long trip to the store for ice, ten minutes in the car. Nobody needs to know it was a mental health break.
• Leaving early is not losing. It's keeping a good relationship good by not letting it go three hours too long.

Grieving the holidays you used to have

• It's normal to miss things you don't believe in anymore: the hymns, the ward party, the feeling that everyone at the table was on the same page. Missing it doesn't mean you were wrong to leave.
• Therapists call this kind of grief, for something that's gone but not dead, ambiguous loss. Pauline Boss's book of that name is in the Family section of Resources.
• Build something new alongside the old: a Friendsgiving, a Christmas Eve that's just yours, a New Year's coffee with people who get it. Gather lists real meetups if you want company.
• Holidays are a common time to feel worse. If it's more than a bad day, a therapist who understands faith transitions can help. The Holiday survival section of Resources has a few who write about exactly this.